I am tired of people hurting me. Specifically, of people thinking they can hurt me, push me, touch me, or more and I’ll just turn over and take it because I am shy, small, friendly and was socialized to be a people pleaser. Being a survivor of domestic abuse, I have learned to dissociate when violence is threatened or enacted near me or to me, and it has caused me and my nervous system to freeze for safety over the last decade. This frozen fear is actively making my life harder and leaving me feeling like a victim every day. I fear reacting to this hurt will make things worse for me, as it did during my marriage. Pushing back, yelling, defending myself- these all made the toxic people in my life erupt, so I get triggered deeply when it happens now, almost a decade later. Why can’t I move past this? Why am I so sensitive to violence? And why is this coming up now?
Well, I was assaulted in the street last week and I have been contemplating my ability to protect myself since. This happens to be one of my greatest fears post-divorce. That someone, especially my ex, would jump out from behind a bush and hurt me physically, just because they wanted to. While it could have been worse (I’m physically fine), my therapist has encouraged me to put that kind of mindset aside and really acknowledge that what happened to me was both scary and invasive. I’m trying to acknowledge this, but it feels impossible. Why do I always feel like diminishing my experience instead of accepting it and the big feelings that come up? What is it that makes me believe I deserve to be hurt, or at the very least, I don’t deserve physical safety like everyone else does?
I am not a dangerous or scary person. I’m 5’1” and extremely passive in social situations. I don’t like to ruffle feathers or make loud noises. I have a permanent nervous system disorder (you can read about that here: FND Story) that causes my body to flop and go numb around really overstimulating and triggering things. Essentially, I am an easy target, just like that big ole cartoon turtle from old Looney Toons shorts. Instead of fighting back, or fleeing the situation, I hide in my shell and hope the instigator goes away. This works for a turtle because he has a tough exterior shell, but I was not born with a shell of any kind. I was born naked (and the rest is drag… couldn’t help myself) and the roughness of my skin from the scars of these events did not “toughen me up” on the outside but instead made me more scared and lead ultimately to extreme emotional vigilance. If I toughen up my resolve, I can take it. If I look around every corner, plan for every possible event, I’ll never get hurt… right? I’ll just emotionally toughen up… yeah? Is that the answer?
No, actually. That is just one way to form mental patterns of obsession and vigilance regarding the world around me. And it began to get worse and worse after 2018 when my ex-husband started stalking me. I remember eating at a local sports bar with some friends and getting a call from an unknown number. I put it to voicemail because I didn’t recognize it. But then I got another call from the same number. And then another. And then a voicemail. It was my ex and he knew where I was. He was desperate to get me on the phone since he was released from jail and he wanted to talk. I was advised by my lawyer, and may self-help books, to go no contact as I had zero emotional capacity for talking to a narcissist, especially one who knew how to push my buttons. I remember crying a lot that day and at work the next when I found out he had been calling places where I used to work and bad mouthing me, giving out false customer complaints, and generally being a nuisance. The good news? He was several states away and wouldn’t be able to get to me. The bad news? My body didn’t know that. And this fear created a vigilant nature that plagued me until just last year.
I realized I had OCD when I was at pain rehab in 2022. The psychologist mentioned this to me when I said I couldn’t eat gluten, even if I wasn’t allergic to it. She helped me decide to eat a gluten-full cracker, with the help from a plan and coping techniques, to start breaking down the mental walls surrounding my eating disorder. It was impactful and showed me that exposure therapy works. But my fear of random violence got a lot worse when I moved to Seattle in 2023. I couldn’t leave after dark, which in the winter means any time after 4pm, so my life shriveled to nothing and I became incredibly depressed. My therapist gave me a plan to start titrating my evening dog walks into the dark, and it worked! I am no longer scared to go out after dark and walk my dog, even in the scarier parts of town. This helped me move on and get a lot more comfortable on the street, something I needed if I was going to live in the city.
But then, I was assaulted outside my grocery store, one month after moving to a new apartment. I was body checked into a light pole by a random stranger while two men loitering on the sidewalk watched it happen. One commented to the other, “If that had happened to me, man, he’d be sorry!” Yeah? Well, it happened to me and you did nothing… Does that mean I deserved it and you didn’t? And you witnessed it and knew it was wrong but didn’t say anything, why? Because it happened to a quiet queer person? Or a person who is used to taking violence into their body? I’m sorry, but NO MORE. I am done with this narrative.
Now, I’m exploring options for self-protection, mainly forms of martial arts that are confidence building and give practical tools for defense and deescalation. An ex-boyfriend gave me some really great information on different types of martial arts along with several suggestions of places to attend as he has connections to this world in Seattle, and I am looking forward to exploring those further. But for now, I am working on gaining inner safety and confidence. To recognize that I do not deserve to be hurt by another person and to know in my heart of hearts that I have worth and those who seek to hurt me do not define my worth.
Have you struggled with domestic violence or abuse? Does it still live in your body? What are the ways you have delt with it over time? Let’s talk about ways to move through this in the comments!
