We All Change, Darling
Why am I so hesitant to show you who I've become?
It was day 11 of my sobriety to cannabis. Day 10 had been hell, brain fog, dizziness, tremors and migraine, but I finally slept through the night, thanks to Magnesium and Melatonin (the new M&M?). The YouTube algorithm offered me the same videos it always does - Drag Race gossip, Dropout clips, random tutorials on how to use watercolor - and there it was. A clip from a podcast I had never watched before. “Now What?” by Trevor Noah. I’m a big fan of his, so I’m not surprised it was suggested. The guest was a particular favorite of mine, Dr Brené Brown, from Ted Talk fame, and the author of several books on leadership and vulnerability including Dare to Lead and Atlas of the Heart, so I decided to watch the 10-minute clip. Trevor asked about when Brené stopped being a person and became an idea, the public figure “Dr. Brené Brown” with an identity that stood outside of her. I’ve always liked her point of view, and admired her ability to be so vulnerable, so what she said I found quite interesting. She spoke about people making incorrect assumptions about her and how that resulted in stepping away from public life for a while. I had no idea! As a person who followed her career quite closely, I don’t remember her ever seeming upset by the spotlight or other people’s opinions. While this revelation was interesting, that wasn’t the lightbulb moment of the show.
The third speaker on this episode is Eugene Kohza, a South African comedian I had never heard of before. He is a regular on the show and a good friend of Trevor, so, how had I never heard of this man? His story is truly amazing! Now I’m a big fan, partially because of how funny he is, but also because of how he spoke about his own growth. In fact, I liked it so much, it inspired this entire article. So, what did he say that piqued my interest?
I think one of the most unfair things that people can ask of other people is not honesty, it’s not reliability, it is consistency. As a human, I cannot guarantee that I’m going to be consistent in anything. In liking you as a partner, in being consistent at my job, or loving the job the same way again, or walking the same path. I cannot promise that I am going to be consistent. But what I can promise is I’m going to do it from a place of love. So, whatever it is that I change in my ways that would make someone go, “You’re not the same person anymore.” And I’m like, “Yeah, but I’m not doing it to hurt you. I’m not doing it to hurt myself. I can promise you now that I’m not going to be consistent in this, but I’ll try to do it from a place of love.” And that’s what I’ve had to do.
From that short clip, I found a truth that had escaped me for years. I was resisting change because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone else. I had to let that sit for a while as both Trevor and Brené did after Eugene spoke his truth. I was realizing for the first time that I didn’t want my family and friends to question my choices, my path, because I felt like I couldn’t either. Why was I not consistent like everyone else I observed? But, until now, I hadn’t realized change was always part of the plan, for everyone. Those people I thought were consistent day in and day out might be utterly miserable. They might want to change and be scared, like I am. Showing up as myself, leaning into change, and showing care and kindness through it all was everything that was required of me. And now that I knew I was resisting, I could tell change was coming for me, and I couldn’t ignore it anymore.
It’s time to start showing up with love.
I’ve changed a lot over the course of my life. From my career (opera singer, retail worker, vitamin manager, ops specialist, voice coach, artist and writer…) to personal identity (straight woman, queer woman, nonbinary person, trans masc pansexual human, genderfluid squid), change has been a big theme in my life. I’ve lived in more cities than most of my peers. My body itself has gone through many changes due to chronic illness and disability. I used to make a six-figure salary and now I can barely afford living paycheck to paycheck. As people we are constantly shifting and changing, and it should be okay to lean into these changes.
And what about me is changing now? Well, for one thing, I’m getting sober. It’s not like alcohol or cannabis has ruined my life. I’m sure at the time I was using, it was a quick fix and a needed resource to move through physical and emotional pain that I was not ready to sit with. But as my dreams got bigger, my desire to follow through became stilted by substance use. I want to not only be successful, but fully awake, aware of my successes. I want to contribute fully to my own life. And that means acknowledging when something isn’t working the way it once was. And getting high every day after work wasn’t cutting it anymore.
The other big change coming up for me is connected to how I move through relationships. By all accounts, being polyamorous and having open relationships has been my default relationship style since I started dating, with exception of my very first boyfriend. It never really bothered me as a concept because I’ve understood why open relationships work intellectually. However, in practice, having multiple partners, “sharing” partners with other people, and dealing with the emotions that inevitably arise is much more challenging than I’d like. I’ve always wanted to be in a partnership, a true 1-on-1 commitment with marriage and a life to build together. As a divorced person, I know the fairy tale isn’t real. As a result, I don’t believe in the relationship escalator, the idea that you must get engaged and married and have kids, etc. but I definitely DO want to build something with someone. Some ONE. I’m not asking for the moon, just one person to hang out with me for a while… or as long as we both like. I want to be monogamous.
This brings me to a personally challenging and possibly incorrect assumption/question: Why is everyone in my community1 poly? As a queer, genderfluid person I find myself in the middle of a lot of “spectrums.” I’m not fully decided on anything in life because I understand how quickly things change, even if I myself resist it. I like men, women, and people without binary genders and I believe gender is a construct that humans made up to control people. You don’t have to choose the heteronormative choices put in front of you since birth to live a life full of love. Moving to Seattle brought me to like-minded people who understood this; people so open that monogamy doesn’t really get celebrated or even practiced. If you believe that most things are made up, including marriage which originated as a way to legally own women as “property,” you probably don’t believe in monogamy, which once again leans in the perceived heteronormative direction. But is monogamy inherently straight? I know some of polyamorous straight people and I know some married and monogamous gay couples. Could they be open behind the scenes? Possibly. But their choice to not open up their relationship wouldn’t make them straight.
Too many questions presented themselves when I decided to express my desire to be monogamous again. I suddenly felt very alone and the dating apps are backing up my suspicions. How did I end up in a community where monogamy doesn’t even feel like an option? If you are inclusive of all types of genders, sexualities and body types, wouldn’t that include things like monogamy? Why be critical of people wanting just one partner? Can you be queer and monogamous? Can you believe in both relationship anarchy and marriage? Will I find someone like me that actually wants the lifestyle I do?
I can’t answer these questions overnight, but I can continue to listen to myself and to others in my community. To find my own truth and seek out others who might feel the same. To promise to change out of love. Love for myself. Love for my family, chosen or not. Love for my community. Change is hard to feel and equally hard to witness. But if we all eventually change, can’t we just decide to do it out of love? Can’t we respect people who stop being consistent in order to seek their own truth?
If you have been feeling change coming in your life, sound off in the comments. With the uncertainty of life in 2026, change is going to come whether we like it or not. And with that knowledge, I’d rather choose change from a place of love, than from a place of resistance.
I am referring specifically to the queer, trans and gender nonconforming community of Capitol Hill in Seattle, WA.
Sending love to all the versions of you. Thank you for sharing your story 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻